I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
