you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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