I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
My ATM looks so different sober.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
