I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
