Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
