apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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