Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
