nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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