if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
