Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
