Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
