A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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