what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
from now on my penis is your penis
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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