Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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