i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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