Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Randomize
