I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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