Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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