I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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