We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
