Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
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