I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Randomize
