I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Randomize
