I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
