Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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