you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
