Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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