Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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