we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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