May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
