It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
