you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
