Ambien. No doubt about it.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
