So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
