what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
