does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
