before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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