Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Sorry about my life...
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
