I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
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