On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
