having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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