U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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