We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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