Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
