You're completely useless in the revolution.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
