i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
