I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
