If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Randomize
