Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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