dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
