She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
