I'm eating all of the evidence.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
